A Conversation with Myself
The writing is on the wall. I keep erasing it. But it’s still there and I know it. I choose to ignore it and hope fate will bestow some kindness upon me and let me rewrite the story. I’m a powerful writer; I can do this.
You’re a delusional fool. You should know better.
I do know better. I am wise and strong, but my heart longs for someone or something worth believing in. There’s good left. I can salvage it. Rebuild it, somehow. Make it manageable.
Oh, so you have magic powers.
No, I’m just not convinced that giving up is the right answer. What if it’s a mistake?
You make mistakes all the time. It helps you grow.
Growing is painful. I don’t want to risk it.
Risk is part of life. What is holding you back from taking a leap? Surely your faith is strong.
Faith has nothing to do with it. Faith in others always leads me to disappointment. I have learned that I can only trust myself. Other people do not see things as I see them. I am different. Other people only think about themselves.
See them? What do you mean?
I don’t know. My perspective is different. Sometimes it’s a blessing but mostly it’s a curse. I see everything and everyone. I see and feel both sides of the equation. Yet it is never balanced and it rarely feels good. I am caught between two realities and countless emotions. It hurts. It’s overwhelming. It’s destructive. It is isolating.
Why do you put yourself in situations that cause you pain?
I don’t put myself there! I’ve got a target on my back and the Universe just keeps jabbing me with experiences that make me hurt.
Ah, so the Universe is to blame for your poor choices, inability to set boundaries, and general discontent?
No, that is not what I am saying!
What, then, are you saying?
Honestly, I don’t know anymore. I’ve been through difficult times in my life. I have experienced various forms of abuse, heartbreak, and even discrimination but that doesn’t make me special. We’ve all experienced trauma in our lifetime. What is different about me is who I have become because of all these experiences. Yes, I am bitter sometimes but mostly I am aware.
Aware? Aware of what?
How people think and feel and what motivates them to behave in the ways they do. Even when I don’t agree with how they see things, I can usually understand why if I pretend to be them and connect with their heart and mind. I work hard to see from their perspective because I must set aside mine to comprehend. Knowing why they feel the way they do makes it harder for me to protect my own heart because I feel that I must always do the right thing because “I get it” and they don’t. I see them but they don’t see me. I’m telling you again, this “blessing” is a curse.
There’s that word again.
What word?
Perspective.
Oh, that word. It kind of feels like a loaded gun these days. Oops, I probably shouldn’t say that word either. Words are not safe anymore. Feelings are offensive. Perspective is used as a weapon of destruction instead of a tool of communication. It’s draining.
You sound angry?
Yes, but mostly sad and weary.
Why do you feel such things? You have a home, a job, family, and friends. What more do you want?
I want peace.
Peace is a state of mind. You create it from within. It cannot be sourced outside of you. But others may help you along your journey.
But my internal struggle is real. My conscience plays both sides. There is never a clear answer. Nothing is black and white; just shades of gray. It’s hard to make the right decisions.
Ah, but is that completely true? There is darkness and there is light. The shades of gray may simply be the way we interpret things. As humans, we tend to gravitate towards one or the other based on our personality and our experiences. A dozen people can look at a picture and see something different. Some see with their eyes. Some see with their hearts. Some see from trauma. Some see from a sense of wonder and curiosity. Others may see from sorrow or pain. How does one dictate which ones are right or wrong? We can’t. What is right for one may be wrong for another. It is not up to us to decide.
So where does that leave any of us?
It leads us on a path of understanding, empathy, and compassion. We are not here to judge even though we all do it. We are here to learn and expand our ability to embrace each other as humans walking a lifelong journey but each taking different paths. We are not expected to agree, like, or even conform to that which doesn’t resonate with our beliefs and perspectives on any given issue. But we are asked to consider the idea that we all have our own truth and being open to someone else’s truth may help us find our own in ways we never imagined.
So, you are saying that perspective is the key to opening doors we don’t know exist?
Kind of. Perspective is multi-faceted just like the prisms of light. The colors are forever present but we may not always see them at the same time. Sometimes we see one color more than another depending on how the light is bent. Changing your perspective on way or another may allow you to see the whole spectrum of light. And once you see the rainbow, you understand that all the colors make up something very beautiful and no one color is right or wrong. They just are.
Maybe I am too hard on myself. I think I am a good person, but I get upset when people can’t see my light. Why can’t they see it when I try so hard?
Often, you see what others don’t. You have learned how to bend your light to connect with their light. You see beauty when others see ugliness. You see love when others see hatred. You see potential when others see failure. You see worth when others see nothing. You sense pain even when it’s disguised. You feel compassion when others feel indifference. You are light. Your light shines greater than others who have not yet done the inner work that you have committed to along your journey. You have chosen to feel. You have chosen to learn despite the pain it has caused you. You are a spirit in evolution. You are now gifted with the ability to help others see. It takes time, my dear, but keep moving yourself and others toward that light and someday, we may all shine together no matter what color of the spectrum we happen to resonate with at any given point or time.
Ah, perhaps perspective isn’t so bad after all. I just need to look at it differently.