Invisible Lines
We live in a world where boundary lines are all around us. There are political boundary lines for town, state, and country as well as property lines for land ownership. They are essentially invisible lines, yet we recognize them as lines of dominion and respect them. But what about personal boundary lines? We toss that word around a lot these days because it sounds profound. It’s a popular buzz word used to establish our personal space and declare what we will and will not tolerate. It’s meant to create an invisible shield that protects us from that which lessens our ability to ward off the negative energy emanating from other people who have less than honorable intentions. It sounds good, right? So, why do we so often fail at creating and enforcing them with success? It’s not an easy concept to define let alone enforce.
Growing Pains
Establishing any new boundary often involves some growing pains. We are creatures of habit and when a comfort zone is challenged, we may experience knee-jerk reactions. With clear communication and consistency, we can adjust to the a new normal if we choose to. But what happens when someone chooses not to? Is it too late to invest any more energy in that relationship? Do we chalk it up to another life lesson of acquired wisdom? Do we back down and give up our voice? It’s hard to say. Everyone has varying degrees of tolerance and what may be a deal breaker for one, isn’t necessarily one for another.
Given my latest experiences, I think setting boundaries for personal well-being is a process. It feels more like emotional ping-pong to me. A game, if you will, of emotional intelligence and strategy. Before you even begin, you must decide how firm your boundary is and predict how the person will react to you. Then you must be ready to respond to their reaction no matter what it is. It goes something like this:
First, someone verbalizes what they need or would like to happen or change. Then the recipient of that request must decide if they are willing to engage. More often than not, there will be resistance. Boundaries require action and compromise, so it won’t happen right away. In the end, much of the resolution is contingent on two things: your delivery of the request and how open the other person is to receiving that message. If your request feels like it is coming out of left field, violates their ethics, or seems like an ultimatum, you may be in for a fight. On the other hand, if the person truly cares about the relationship they may need some time to process the information before they can be present in a calm conversation. No doubt about it, change is hard. It’s certainly not impossible and you can find thousands of inspirational stories validating that point. Yet, there are probably even more stories of failure and breakdowns affecting all kinds of relationships between couples, families, and friends.
What’s it Worth to You?
I don’t have the answer to this question. I really don’t. I seem to be teetering on the failure end of this topic lately. I hate failing. It’s not in my blood. Maybe “failing” is the only way the Universe can show stubborn people like me that some people are just not meant to be in our life. Everyone has their own idea of what relationships and friendships are supposed to be like. We are human and conflict is sadly an inevitable part of the equation. Even when you think you are doing the best you can do and being the best person you can be, someone will find fault with you in one form or another. It hurts when an accusation gets hurled at you or expressing your feelings becomes the scene of a battleground. I guess it depends on how much one person is willing to sacrifice to keep that someone in their life. Unfortunately, that sacrifice is too much to ask sometimes because nobody should have to lessen themselves to make someone else feel greater. I’ve done that one too many times and if that is a hill I must die on, then so be it.
I’ve spent considerable time these past few weeks mulling over boundaries and authenticity, and I think…maybe…that the only time you will be successful in setting “new” personal limits is if you are dealing with someone who is willing to meet you half way. Not because they must but because they love you and the idea of losing you is not an option. If you have people like that in your life, I recommend that you do what you can do to keep them there. Life is short. Life is hard. Sometimes a simple shift in empathy and compassion can save a relationship. Anything is possible if you both want what is best for each other. God bless.